Diary Entry 3... The Calm Before the Storm

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

.. the calm before the storm.
Bet you thought you wouldn’t be reading one of this 3days into a new year Aha
I use to think what the hell did that saying mean.. until i reached an age I actually felt it more than just heard it. Today started of like how the last few days of 2018 have. Only today is 3rd January 2018 and on this date for the last 5yrs its been mental torcher. Then comes the v ebal vomit, straight at me and leaving me in a mental state with  a heavy head, you know where your body feel’s like its drowning from the inside but also trying to survive because that’s what most people try to do in danger - survive !
 Only this year, this year I decided to do things differently, follow less opinions, dont have  family, friends or next to nobody’s tell me how i should feel or be, or how I should do it for the children. This time I wasnt prepared for the Verbal Vomit, mentally my head had forgot the date, but you cant control whats instore- just like Final Destination... I left everything I wanted to leave back there.. well so I thought. Now, now im lay here confused and feeling my un healed wounds re opening, like they had never closed, trying my hardest not to feel pain or cry because the children are in the next room (your not suppose to feel like this or be like this with children- SO THEY SAY)like I’t wasn’t hard enough closing them from all the other years. Ugh. How did I miss the date of today?! how did I actually try and bury this date and pretend like it was all in my mind?! The children had fun though we went on a bike ride, Bear got a new bike for xmas and batman.. well lets face it he’s been riding a bike since he was 2 lol. I have been upside down all day and 21:23 confirmed why I was. How do you actually escape an unhealthy place which you lay your head to rest in, how do you up and leave a place thats holding onto your actual being?! Fear.

‘If you’re e commiting to missundering me, why bother?!  where/ how do you get the courage from to walk away.. the Fear or Failure is my only step back, the People Pleaser is like oil on the water right now, do i bring it back for the sake of peace?! . At least i got my OOTD post up on the gram aha, the place where you can pass time on all your own worries,  at least I have a good book to bury myself into. IM LYING - the pain of today is unbearable, think il just play music and look at some art. 

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